We should ban food in the theatre. There is nothing I hate more, when I sit down to watch my favourite actors and there’s an incessant nibbling polluting my ear holes from the fat smelly tourist spectator next to me, who is of course undeserving of a seat in the auditor...

The fat and smelly spectator only came to the West End to see a celebrity, but I came to see great art…

Great art is something that is priceless.
When I arrive at a West End theatre ready to see an overpaid over the top actor who is so disconnected from society that all they think about in dressing room is their frustration that the plastic rustling from paying fans may upset their monologue, I swoon.  It’s the pinnacle of artistry, the West End, actors come from all over to re-create pantomimes, Disney musicals, and those rare performances of Hamlet I just never get tired of. It’s important that we take bans in the theatre seriously or theatre will end up like it was during the Bard’s era..

“Days out at the Globe Theatre would have been an exciting event. The grounds surrounding the theatre would have been bustling with people. There would be Stalls selling merchandise and refreshments creating a market day atmosphere. Non playgoers would flock to the grounds to go to the market stalls and 'soak in ' the holiday-like atmosphere… Did people in the Elizabethan era have convenience food? Yes! Biscuits were invented by the Crusaders. These were easy to carry and make and would have been taken to the theatre. The 'Ploughman's Lunch' consisting of bread and cheese was a staple diet of Lower Class workers. Pastries and pies were sold in the stalls outside the theatre. There would have been men cooking meat on a portable spit so it was possible to buy ready-cooked roasted meat! Elizabethan food included a vast range of different meat “(bardstage.org)

Holiday like atmosphere? Market stalls? Bustling with people? Think of the injustice! What a horrific theatre experience that must have been! People actually enjoying themselves? We know that ‘people enjoying themselves’ is not sustainable, I mean the Globe did burn down. If we’re not careful the whole theatre may burn down and nobody wants that… I have some plans that will combat any potential theatre ‘frivolity’ during difficult time for the country..

I know that the government has made huge cuts to the arts, I know that audience numbers are in decline- but the best way to combat such an issue is to marginalise people who might buy tickets that shouldn’t really be attending anyway. We can ban food, drinks, squeaky shoes, wind breakers, water proof jackets, loud heals, corduroy trousers, hair that’s styled to high, excessive perfume, coughing, laughing, crying, sneezing, and eye contact with fellow audience members. We must ensure that the actors can always hear themselves properly and exclusively and that a general fascist-lite atmosphere is created.  These tactics will allow the people who really deserve to attend their chance to buy seats to empty auditoriums, and watch actor’s emotionless regurgitations of ‘great art’ in silence. Because there is nothing more important than an actor who has spent a few weeks memorising lines in the mirror pretending their voice will save us all is given their opportunity to do so at the expense of everything else. What else could we ban? I hate ‘new work’, it’s a problem for me if I haven’t memorised the play before I see it, let’s ban that. Those people that accidently fall asleep, can we ban them? OH, I hate it when couples use the theatre as their first date venue, it’s too awkward for me to watch a few rows back. How dare they come to the theatre for a life experience and didn’t think about how that makes me feel. BANNED. Also, en route to the theatre, like on the tube, when people look me in the eye- can’t deal with it, BANNED. And can anyone tell me why there was a polish person seated 3 rows from me? Can’t we ban Europeans from sitting in the stalls?

While we’re at it, might as well ban Muslims too, for obvious reasons…

-Rocky Rodriguez, Jr.

P.S. (In case people miss the point... the blog is satire. The food ban argument is grounded in narcissism and fascist undertones implying the actor and the pretence the actor is representing is the most important thing, and it's not. The most important thing is the communion that happens between actor/spectator, and the debates that happen between spectator and spectator after the piece. Priorities need to be clear, and the food argument misleads us.)